


Find Yourself

by Scrcndpty



Series: Male!Reader by Scrcndpty [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Masturbation, Reader-Insert, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-19 07:06:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16529765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scrcndpty/pseuds/Scrcndpty
Summary: The thought of the Avengers being a threat to the world was hammered into your head since the day you were born.Like every time HYDRA seemed to make one step closer to their ultimate goal – to conquer the world – the Avengers were right behind them.And with them were Steven Grant Rogers and James Buchanan Barnes.After being rescued from HYDRA by the Avengers, you had a hard time adjusting to everything. Steve became like a big brother to you, someone you could go to whenever you needed help. However, when you told him you were attracted to Bucky, he wasn't as supportive as before.





	Find Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> _Request by mutualsituation on tumblr:_ “I dunno your policy on requests and all that but if it’s okay what about a fic where the reader is Steve’s brother that was made by Hydra recently. (like reader is a teen/young adult but has only been alive for a few years) Staying with the Avengers to become accustomed to the world Steve takes on the role of big brother so when the reader develops a crush on Bucky and Steve finds out he freaks out. (Read your other fic and loved it, If you wanna include some smut that would be cool)”
> 
> Originally posted on tumblr.

The thought of the Avengers being a threat to the world was hammered into your head since the day you were born. July 4th, ironically, did you open your eyes for the first time, and it wasn’t even strange for you that you had the body of a seventeen years old, while only being alive for a few minutes.

It wasn’t strange that you had to learn the most most basic like reading and writing, all while already being able to use every weapon available, lifting tons of weight without breaking a sweat, and when you were one week old, you had outmatched the best fighter in hand-to-hand combat HYDRA could find.

Though, like every time HYDRA seemed to make one step closer to their ultimate goal – to conquer the world – the Avengers were right behind them.

And with them were Steven Grant Rogers and James Buchanan Barnes.

  


* * *

  


When you were looking at Steven Grant Rogers, it was a bit like looking into a mirror. Although you didn’t look exactly the same as him, there was a striking resemblance.

You slightly leaned to the side, catching a glance at the figure standing in the doorway. The metal arm was anything you needed to see to know that this was indeed the Winter Soldier. Slowly, you leaned back, staring once again into the perfect baby blues of Captain America.

“You kicked in my door.”

For a short moment, Steve looked at a loss of words, lips parted in confusion. Bucky laughed, trying to cover it up as he cleared his throat, giving a little cough.

“I, uh, I’m sorry.”

HYDRA didn’t set great values on moral and right social behaviors. All you had learned were the things you had read in books one of the nice scientists had given to you. You blinked.

“I guess it is fine, then.” You finally closed the book you had been reading before you had unexpected visitors. Then you rose from the sitting position on your bed, now towering over Steve, who had been crouching in front of you to be on your height. Gracefully, you side-stepped him, sauntering over to the only cabinet in the room to put back your book.

“Do you know who we are? Why we are here?”

This was Bucky talking. You hummed before answering his question, starting to gather other books in your arms.

“You are the Avengers. Well, part of them; Captain America and former HYDRA assassin the Winter Soldier. Highest threat level.”

You stood up, walking right in front of the Winter Soldier, this time peering over his shoulder. A few bodies were lying in the hallway.

“I am not dumb. This HYDRA base has surely fallen. The question is, are you gonna kill me like you did the other agents, or are you gonna capture me?”

“We’re not going to kill you,” said Steve. You looked back at him.

“It’s the latter then.” Dropping your head, you intently studied the cover of the book lying on top. “Do you think I can bring these?”

  


* * *

  


As it turned out, there was so much you didn’t know about the world.

First of all, you could bring your books. That was nice. Just as nice as the room you got at the Avengers Compound, apparently the place you were going to live for now on.

Secondly, you were never registered as … well, as a person living on this world, so you couldn’t be charged guilty for the things ~~you did~~ HYDRA made you do.

Thirdly,  other kids had parents, and they are responsible for them until they are of age, meaning eighteen years old.  Technically, you were four years old, a toddler, you had learned.  You weren’t supposed to be  as tall as Thor  and have arm wrestling matches with the Winter Soldier you were able to win.

According to the law, you were to be assigned a guardian, and your medical examination when you first had set  foot onto the Avengers Compound, which included a  DNA test, br ought surprising results.

“So, he’s my father then?”

Dr. Banner, _Bruce,_ as he insisted you to call him (he didn’t like Hulky very much), shook his head, still looking at the hologram showing the results.

“I am not sure how to call it, to be honest. Based on the file the others found in the base, your embryo grew in  vitro , then they continued the growth in some kind of chamber, similar to the c ryo chambers,  until they seemed you fit to be … born, I guess.

“The point is, you weren’t born in the way it normally happens, and I don’t think you have to see him as a father. HYDRA just borrowed some of his DNA. The parts effected by the super soldier serum, to be exact.”

“Brothers?”

Bruce nodded, a bit distracted as he wasn’t able to look away from your test results. “Maybe more like that, I don’t know. More important, though, is that you don’t have to see him as anything. You don’t even have to talk to him if you do not want to. It’s all up to you.”

“Alright.”

Now, Bruce finally looked at you, giving you a shy smile. “I understand if you’re a bit overwhelmed of the whole situation, but everything will settle in a few days or weeks time. Don’t worry. If you need help you can come to any of us, or ask F.R.I.D.A.Y.”

You tried to return his smile. “Thank you.”

“You gonna find back to your room on your own?”

“Yeah.” Though, it was more like an entire apartment than a simple room.

“’Course. Dinner is at half past eight. If you want to join us. Today’s one of the few days were everyone can attend, but you don’t have to feel obligated to show up.”

“Thank you.”

  


* * *

  


It had just turned eight o’clock, and you picked up the remote to press the necessary button to have Netflix go to the next episode of Brooklyn 99 without having to wait five seconds. Your hand dropped back to your side, landing on the _incredible_ soft blanket you had thrown over your legs, tucking the end under your feet.

The blanket was really soft, like, _really_ soft. You had asked F.R.I.D.A.Y., who said it was something called cashmere. Once again, you lifted the corner of it to your face, letting it glide over your cheek to relish in its softness.

A small chuckle escaped you as you watched Boyle pouring hot coffee all over himself and under his bandages, your hands lowering back down so you could keep gliding your finger tips over the fabric.

However, when Steve entered your ~~room~~ apartment, two plates filled with food in his hands, he found the couch empty, the blanket discarded over the back of it, while the TV still played your show.

Steve set down the plates on the coffee table. “Y/N?” he called out, turning to look over the apartment. Only after a few seconds did you step out of the corner you were hiding in, shooting Steve an indefinable look.

“Hey,” Steve said. “I, uh, I took the liberty of having F.R.I.D.A.Y. open the door for me.”

You stared at him, eyes flickering to the plates on the coffee table and the steam rising from the hot food. “You could have just let her ask me to open it.”

“Ah, yes, I am sorry.”

“You startled me, and I panicked a bit.”

“Sorry, I am sorry, I just … wanted to eat dinner with you. And maybe talk a bit.”

“Oh,” you said, “okay. I am not really hungry, though.”

Steve smiled. “No problem.”

You nodded, sitting back down on the couch next to your blanket, and accepted the plate Steve offered you.

“What’s this?” you asked, digging your fork into … you didn’t know what it was. It crushed under the force, revealing a filling of what you assumed were vegetables.

“Spring rolls.”

“Ah,” you said, still having no clue what Steve brought you.

He only chuckled. “Just try it. They’re good.”

“If you say so.” You lifted the fork to your mouth, sniffing at the food first before trying it. The pastry crunched in your mouth, the vegetables were soft.

Steve looked at you expectantly. You tried a small smile and nodded. “It tastes good.”

“Great!” he said, picking up his own meal. It was silent for a short time, F.R.I.D.A.Y. had been so polite to pause the current episode, and you watched Steve while munching on your spring rolls.

“Is this about your DNA?”

Steve choked a bit on his food, face turning red as he coughed. “I- what?”

You could hear his heart thumping even faster in his chest than before, and the blush didn’t subside.

“I asked if this is about your DNA. Bruce surely must have told you that HYDRA used your DNA to create me.”

“Uh …” Steve looked to the side and set his plate down. “Yes, it may be. Bruce- I- yes, Bruce told me about it. He also told me that … that you asked if I would be your father now.”

“Fathers and sons share the same DNA. But Bruce also said that brothers share the same DNA. However it is up to me how I see you.”

Steve nodded. The red color on his skin had faded a bit. “Of course. Nobody’s going to tell you what to do. You see, when I woke up in this century, I knew nothing about this world. Everything had changed and I would have been lost without the team.

“I know that you have been alive for only a few years to begin with _and_ lived in isolation. I just wanted you to know that you have me if you need help, _like_ a brother. If you want.”

You watched Steve, eyes straight on staring into his (which didn’t totally unnerved him). “So, like a big brother helping his little brother. I saw about this in some show.”

Steve chuckled. “Yeah, I suppose so.”

“Alright, big bro, wanna watch some Brooklyn 99 while eating spring rolls?”

“Sure,” he laughed, picking up his own food to continue eating. “What’s Brooklyn 99?”

“Just watch it,” you said, mimicking Steve’s words from earlier. “It’s good.”

  


* * *

  


When you befriend Steve Rogers, you automatically have to befriend Bucky Barnes – or have to put up with him even if you don’t like him. Fortunately, it was the former for you (unlike Sam; though you weren’t sure if Sam really hated Bucky or the other way around; they were bantering, like siblings, you had thought).

You knew that Bucky had been with HYDRA for a long time, not voluntarily. However, you always had thought you were kind of connected. You liked it when Bucky was around. He didn’t say much, but he was a calming presence, making everything – adjusting, and learning, and interacting with other people - seem easier. You had talked a few times with him about HYDRA, about his time there, even though Bucky’s experience was much different, with the whole being tortured and taken apart and remade.

Nevertheless, it was good to talk with someone about HYDRA and your own experiences. Steve was always there for you, of course, but after a few months you realized that every person on the team had a few topics you could talk to them about and a few topics you rather not talk to them about.

And sometimes you liked to imagine that Bucky might like talking to you, too.

  


* * *

  


It only took Bucky a few seconds to open his door, revealing you with your blanket in your hands.

“Hey, Bucky.”

“Hey, Y/N,” Bucky greeted back. “Steve ain’t here.”

“Yeah, I know, he’s in the gym. Can I come in?”

“Sure. Did somethin’ happen?”

“Hm? Oh, no. Just wanted some company.” You stopped in your tracks, looking back at Bucky while he was closing the door. “Am I intrusive? Bruce said it is fine to seek company of the people you like.”

“No, no, it’s fine.” Bucky chuckled a bit, following you into the living room area. “You always carry that blanket with ya.”

“Yes. It’s soft.” You sat and patted the space on the couch next to you, telling Bucky to sit down with you. Without another word, you picked up the blanket and arranged it that both you and Bucky were wrapped in its fluffiness.”Didn’t had much soft things while being with HYDRA.”

Bucky wiggled a bit in his place, getting comfortable as he settled in, your shoulders touching. “Yeah, know whatcha mean. When I came here first, everything was bright and soft and nice. Didn’t think I deserved that.”

“’Cause of the things HYDRA made you do.”

“Yeah. I just didn’t think of it that way.”

“We deserve nice things. That’s what Steve always says, but I am not so sure about that.” You turned your head, looking at Bucky. “Interacting with people is hard,” you said, studying Bucky’s calm eyes. “Knowing how they feel and acting appropriately is hard.” Gaze lowering down on your hands, you began petting the blanket.

“’S alright,” Bucky said, “it really is hard sometimes.”

You nodded, contemplating if you should tell Bucky that it never was hard with him, and that you liked it, but then decided against it.

Bucky smiled, just as soft as the blanket, and it made you feel warm over – it was confusing. But you smiled back, even laughing when he bumped his shoulder with yours. But you sobered up quickly.

“I know that- I know HYDRA made me because they wanted another weapon like you. I was trained, and trained, and trained every day, and even though I rarely got tired, I _am_ tired of it. You know what I mean?”

Bucky nodded, letting you talk.

“I kept up the routine because I didn’t know what else to do, but I decided to just … stop.”

“That’s okay.”

You hummed, sinking further into the cushions. Everything was okay, always okay. There were still so much thinks making life not okay at the moment, but – unsurprisingly by now, you thought – with Bucky this fact didn’t seem so important anymore.

“I think I need a nap.” You sighed.

“Lay down, doll,” Bucky said, grabbing the blanket and the pillow to put it in his lap. After you laid down, he threw the blanket over your form, letting you snuggle into it.

Being with Bucky was easy.

  


* * *

  


It was in times like these where you felt lonely.

After learning the concept of two people being more than friends, _loving each other,_ you also learned the concept of feeling lonely.

You should really stop watching these films, and movies, and reading books. Love stories weren’t good. It made you crave things. Closeness, _proximity,_ human touch, hugs, _kisses, Bu-_

Your eyes widened and you frantically grabbed for the remote, shutting off the TV before the two guys in the movie could get back to their kissing.

It was now pitch black, the only light in the room having come from the TV. You reached for another pillow, hugging it to your upper body.

Your chest hurt.

  


* * *

  


It had been nearly a year since you joined the team when you realized that you actively sought out Bucky’s company. You had asked Steve if he could switch places with you at dinner so you could sit between both him and Bucky. At movie nights you continued to share your blanket with Bucky, and every second day you would join him for a morning run.

Today, even though you said you would stop training, having too much the feeling of continuing what HYDRA had started, you found yourself in the gym, watching Bucky and Sam spar.

It was hilarious, to say the least. Sam clearly had troubles getting the upper hand, a fact that didn’t surprise you; he was sparing with a super-soldier, and in real battles he had the advantage of his Falcon wings. Still, it was funny to watch him try, and the bantering between him and Bucky just added to the fun.

“Okay, okay, I’m done,” Sam said, words clipped as he panted for breath, lying on his back after Bucky had slammed him onto the mat. You laughed at the expression on his face, knowing his face would be beet red if his skin were brighter. Though, Sam didn’t think it to be funny and he glared at you as he rolled to his side, scrambling to get up.

“How about you fight a super soldier for two hours?”

Bucky looked at you, the wide smile on his face narrowing a bit as he saw you contemplating it. “If you don’t wanna, Y/N, you don’t have to,” he said, but you shook your head, standing up.

“No, no, it’s fine. Made to be a super soldier myself, remember? You’re nothing I couldn’t take on. Besides, it’s just for fun, right?”

“Okay,” Bucky said, full smile returning. “Maybe this will be some kind of a challenge for once.”

Sam scoffed, but you didn’t mind it over the feel of excitement rushing through you as you stepped onto the mat, right in front of Bucky who got back into his fighting stance.

For a few seconds, nothing happened, then Bucky charged at you. Instinctively, you sidestepped him, grabbing his shoulder and arm as you stood beside him to yank his upper body back while simultaneously kicking his feet from under him. He landed on his back.

“Okay, wow, that was just you going easy on the kid!” Sam complained. Bucky laughed, getting back on his feet without effort.

“Maybe,” he retorted. “Cannot go full Winter Soldier from the beginning on.”

You smiled, brightly. “Don’t worry, Bucky. As I said earlier: Nothing I can’t handle.”

“Now you’re just a cocky little shit.”

Laughing, you blocked Bucky’s next attempt at striking out at you, but he hadn’t been kidding when he said he wouldn’t go easy on you next time. It was getting harder and harder to elude Bucky’s attacks and get in a few of your own. Even with all the getting frozen Bucky had a few more years of training under his belt than you, after all. And before you knew it, it was now you the one who was getting punched into the mat, but that didn’t mean it was over, yet. If you were getting down Bucky was getting down with you, and the expression of utter surprise on his face when you latched onto his shirt to pull him down with you was worth the several pounds of beefy super soldier slamming into you, all with metal arm digging into your ribs.

Originally, you had planned to bring Bucky down with and off of you in one fluid motion, getting back on your feet in an instance, but somehow your brain just stopped working as soon as Bucky’s face got (unplanned) close enough to easily bridge over the last few inches and press your lips to -

Bucky huffed on top of you, the warm air hitting your face as his eyes bored into yours. Strands of soft brown hair were falling out of his hair tie, tickling your cheek. Warmth began to spread throughout your whole body, gathering deep in the pit of your stomach as you literally felt the blood rushing downwards. Only now did you realize that one of Bucky’s (very muscular) thighs was pressing down on your crotch, making you ache all over in a bittersweet way, but you were unable to pinpoint why exactly.

Carefully, you pried your fingers out of their death grip on Bucky’s shirt, eyes darting down to Bucky’s mouth as his tongue slipped out to lick away the sweat that had gathered on the curve of his upper lip.

“Are you guys okay? You’re just laying down there.” Sam’s voice sounded concerned.

“Yeah.” Muscles shifting, Bucky lifted himself up. Still crouching but back on his feet, he held out a hand to help you back on your own. You took it, the touch sending a pleasant tingle to mix with the warmth in your entire body.

Uncomfortable silence. Your ears buzzed, and you all were standing there like idiots until the doors opened, the sound filling the entire room. You flinched violently, which in turn startled Bucky and he took a step forward, as if he would want to comfort you. Steve stepped into the gym.

“Hey, guys, F.R.I.D.A.Y. told me you were down- oh, Y/N, what are you doing on the mat? I thought you didn’t want to fight anymore?”

You looked at Steve like a deer caught in headlights, not knowing what to say.

“I, uh, I- sorry, I don’t know I … I-I need to go.”

Steve shot his friends a questioning look after he watched you practically flee the whole scene. Sam shrugged his shoulders, Bucky looked to the side, trying not to think of the horrified expression on your face and, most importantly, the hard line of your dick against his thigh.

  


* * *

  


You stumbled into your apartment, the door falling shut behind you with a dull sound. Feeling hot all over, you quickly pulled your top over your head, carelessly tossing it to the floor. Nearly smashing the light switch in the bathroom as you hurried to the sink, you quickly splashed freezing water onto your face.

Panting, you studied your face in the mirror, watching droplets of water trickle down the sides of your face. Unconsciously, you pressed your crotch against the sink, a muffled moan sounding.

“God, what is wrong with me?” Of course, no one answered, as no one was there with you. You felt like crying, and you never had cried before; You were overwhelmed with the situation, not knowing what to do or what happened right now. Your body still felt hot, still was aching, and the pressure against your crotch relieved and fueled the burning at the same time.

In an impromptu decision, you stripped out of the rest of your clothes, moving to stand under the shower. The cold water did little to calm you down, though. Your skin may have felt cool to the touch now, but there was still the heat pooling in your belly, and you finally allowed yourself to look down your body.

Your dick definitely was bigger than usual, standing from your body in an angle. You swallowed, bringing up your hand to touch it carefully. It twitched at the contact, making your breath hitch. Then you wrapped your fingers fully around it, and you were able to feel the pulsing of blood. Your ache grew, the heat in your belly flared like actual flames, and your cock hardened even more.

“Shit,” you swore, biting your lip as you began to slide your hard length in and out of the grip of your fingers, the water easing the way. It wasn’t enough, not nearly, but it also felt _so_ good. You leaned on the wall, back of your head pressed against the tiles as you thrusted into your fist with a steady rhythm. Your other hand grabbed blindly for the water faucet, fumbling to have the water turn warm instead of cold.

You didn’t know how much time passed while you stood under the warm water spray, the occasional sigh leaving your lips, stroking your cock until it became too hard for you to be standing. With trembling legs you lowered yourself to the ground, opening your eyes without having realized that you had closed them in the first place.

Gasping, you blinked the water out of your face, just as your hips bucked up involuntarily. A clear fluid had oozed from the tip of your cock. Experimentally, you smeared your thumb over it, moaning softly at the sensation. You continued this, massaging the head while your other hand stroke the length of your dick.

Suddenly, your breathing pattern picked up, small moans forced their way out of your throat, actual tears gathered in your eyes. The ache in your body built up, every touch grew more and more intense, and you could feel a tingle in your balls, just as another fluid shot out of the tip of your cock. White decorated your thighs as ribbon after ribbon pumped itself out of your length, making your eyes roll back into your head while your body trembled all over from the intense pleasure raking through you.

Panting, you let your hands drop to your sides, your cock feeling too sensitive to be touching it anymore. The great feeling of finally having satisfied the ache passed, taking the pleasure and warmth with it.

You shivered out of entirely different reasons now, and pulled yourself back on your feet. Sniffling, you took hold of the shower head, washing off the last remains of the white fluid before leaning against the wall again.

What had this been? It had felt good, _so good,_ but now you just felt empty, all while salty tears mingled with the water drops on your cheeks.

  


* * *

  


“Y/N?”

You didn’t knew it was possible for an AI to actually sound this caring, only by calling someone’s name as well. F.R.I.D.A.Y. did sound caring, voice gentle and quiet as to not disturb the silence you had engulfed in for the past or so hour too harshly. She was patient, waiting for your answer as you were taking your time (a quite generous amount of time).

After you had emerged from the shower and dried yourself up, you had put on the softest clothes you could find in the closet and burried yourself in your favorite blanket on your bed, along with all the pillows you had. You had just laid there, cozy and warm, while you drifted in and out of a state where you were able to think about nothing. For the rest, your thoughts were a mess. You thought about Bucky, about the … the thing in the gym, and _whatever_ happened afterwards; something you didn’t know what to think of.

It was easier to just bury yourself away, so you did just that.

Anyways, F.R.I.D.A.Y. had called out and was waiting for an answer.

“Yes?” Your voice was small, just as quiet as hers had been.

“Are you alright?”

You blinked, not having expected a question like that. “I don’t know,” you said. “I- something happened, and I don’t really have an idea what exactly. But I guess I am not feeling particularly good.”

F.R.I.D.A.Y. did something that sounded a bit like humming. “Is there anything I can do to help you?”

The sheets rustled as you shifted in the bed, thinking about how to express your request. “I didn’t really get to go through puberty,” you said, feeling your face heating up already, even though you knew F.R.I.D.A.Y. would be the last to judge you. ”To be honest, I didn’t give it much thought before and the others, and me, didn’t think it was necessary. But I fear I missed some aspects, important aspects.”

Now, F.R.I.D.A.Y. sounded like she was smiling, or rather would be if she was human, when she talked. “Well, the Internet has been used to ask and answer many question concerning puberty; I am sure we will find the answers you need.

“Shall we start immediately?”

“Yes.” You sat up, stretching your whole body from the curled in position it had been in. “Just … I don’t think the others should now about it. I would appreciate it if -”

F.R.I.D.A.Y. cut in before you could finish. “You do not need to worry, Y/N, every conversation between you and me will be discrete, which can only be abolished by certain circumstances and protocols only a few selected persons have access to.”

“Thank you.” You smiled, and as if she was smiling back, F.R.I.D.A.Y. pulled up a holograph, waiting for you to state your first question.

  


* * *

  


Steve’s concern reached a breaking point when you didn’t even show up for dinner the following day. He ignored Bucky telling him he should still give you space, ignored also Sam and even Tony, who defended his AI as F.R.I.D.A.Y. refused multiple times to tell him more about you other than that you were fine on your own for the moment.

“I’ll go and check up on him,” Steve said as soon as he swallowed his last mouthful of food, standing up and pushing back his chair.

Bucky just rolled his eyes, Sam shot him an exasperated look, but didn’t say anything, both knowing better than anyone that it was pointless to argue with this stubborn bullhead.

The team watched Steve as he left the room. In a few minutes, he reached your room, pushing down the door handle. The door didn’t budge, though.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y. -” he started, but she was quick to interrupt him.

“Y/N has been informed that you are waiting for him. It is advised to not enter his rooms without his consent.”

Steve nodded, clearing his throat as he remembered the first time he barged in without announcing himself. That was a trait he really should deposit. His patience was short-lived, but fortunately, Steve didn’t have to wait long before you answered the door.

“Hey, Steve.”

F.R.I.D.A.Y. had told you as soon as Steve made his way up, and it wasn’t like you didn’t expect Steve to come see you after your sudden disappearing yesterday; you still had hoped for him leaving you alone for a bit longer.

Though F.R.I.D.A.Y. had also told you, she wouldn’t let Steve in if you didn’t want to, you answered the door for yourself, knowing that you were only deferring the inevitable.

“Y/N!” Steve looked relieved as you opened the door, posture relaxing. “Can I come in?”

You wanted to say no, you really wanted, but in the end, you opened the door further, allowing Steve to step in. He followed you to the couch, sitting down next to you.

“Bucky and Sam didn’t wanna tell me what exactly happened in the gym.”

He didn’t exactly asked for it, but it was clear that Steve wanted _you_ to tell him. You sighed, not looking at him but instead trained your eyes on the remote laying on the coffee table.

“Nothing happened,” you began, crossing your legs, “well, I mean nothing bad happened.”

“You’re hiding here for a day now, Y/N, something bad _must_ have happened.”

God, Steve was famous for his ‘Captain-America-is-disapproving’-voice and his ‘Captain-America-is-disapproving’-face and now it was all directed at you.

You sighed, sagging against the arm rest as you started playing with the hem at the end of your pants. “I … We were just sparring, okay? At first, I was just watching Sam and Bucky, because, you know, it is really entertaining, and then Sam meant that if I could be laughing at him, I might as well spar with Bucky myself, right?”

Steve looked like he wanted to interrupt, but you didn’t let him.

“It was all okay, Bucky made sure I’d know I didn’t have to because I said before I didn’t wanna fight anymore, but it was all okay; it was supposed to be fun. And it was fun, I was excited to see how I would do against the famous Winter Soldier. However, …”

You faltered, thinking back on your enlightening research with F.R.I.D.A.Y., which made you think you know now what exactly happened. You knew how to put it in words, but you also learned that a topic like this was intimate, not something you share with everybody. Furthermore, it also included Bucky, and Bucky was Steve’s best friend, and it was clear to everyone that Steve was hella protective of Bucky, and while you thought you and Steve grew close as well, that he cared for you as well (which kind of got confirmed with his showing up here), you did not feel exactly confident saying what you found out about yourself.

“Did Bucky hurt you?”

“No! No, no. I threw him on the mat, he threw me on the mat, nothing unexpected when you’re sparing. It was just … what was unexpected was -”

You did look up, gazing at Steve as you struggled to say what you apparently had to say.

“Steve, you said I could come to you whatever I am worrying about or have problems with.”

Steve’s facial expression softened. “Of course you can.”

“Promise me you won’t be angry.”

“Now you’re worrying me a bit.” Steve chuckled lightly, but even though you could give a shaky smile back, it did nothing to ease you up. You looked down into your lap again, forcing the words out.

“During sparring, Bucky landed on top of me, and … and m-my body had a very confusing reaction. Everything was so _damn_ overwhelming and then suddenly you came in and asked what I was even doing there and I just -” you choked out the last word “- panicked.”

Steve looked at you with wide eyes, expression just short of dread. “What do you mean your body had a reaction?”

A lump formed in your throat rapidly. “I think I am attracted to Bucky. A-also sexually.”

Deafening silence.

“It just happened,” you frantically continued, “I didn’t mean to! At first I didn’t even know what was happening, I got confused and just had to get out of there!”

Steve sighed as you finished, leaning forward to support his head in his hands with his elbows resting on his knees. “I cannot believe this.”

His words were only muttered, barely understandable, but they made your eyes water. _Again._

“You promised to not be angry,” you whispered.

“I am not angry.”

Steve didn’t sound exactly angry, more like _grossed_ out. Breath shaking, you stood up and turned away from him.

“Is it because we’re both males?”

“That’s not it. I do realized that the twenty first century is way more accepting than the forties were.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

Steve looked away as you built up the courage to search for eye contact. He cleared his throat. “I’m not sure. The … the notion that you and Bucky could -”

Your throat closed up and you turned away again as you pressed one hand to your mouth, forcing down a whimper. That _hurt_. Even though Steve didn’t finish.

Did he think you didn’t deserve to be with someone? With his best friend of all people? Was it the HYDRA-thing? The fact you were male, though Steve said it wasn’t? The fact you were a five-year-old in a twenty-something-body? The fact you still struggled with basic things in society? You had discovered your own libido and the whole concept of sex only yesterday, for god’s sake!

You spoke before you wouldn’t be able to anymore. “Please go.”

“Y/N, I didn’t mean -”

Steve snapped his mouth shut, _thankfully_ , when you shook your head. “No, I see. I shouldn’t have told you, it only freaks you out.” A broken sob escaped before you could hold it back. “Just _go._ ”

For once, Steve did what he was told. The door slammed shut behind him.

  


* * *

  


After crying for too long and falling asleep on the couch, you woke up a few hours later to an aching body due to an uncomfortable position, swollen eyes and a dry throat. Groggily, you made your way to the kitchen sink, grabbing a glass to fill with water. You downed it in one go, just to fill it again.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.?”

“Yes, Y/N?” God, F.R.I.D.A.Y. still sounded so caring, and you promptly felt like crying again.

“What time is it?”

“It will turn half past three in the morning in exactly four minutes.”

Your sigh got drowned out by the rumbling in your stomach, indicating the lack of food in the past hours. Even though you knew better, you opened your own fridge anyway, hoping, _praying_ , that it would contain something you could eat. Of course there wasn’t.

“Is someone in the communal kitchen?”

“It appears not so.”

“What about food?”

“Plenty of it. Boss had shawarma delivered to the compound.”

Well, that didn’t sound too bad. Carefully, you made your way to the communal kitchen, planning to just sneak some leftover shawarma and heating it up at your own place.

Even though it was the middle of the night, the chance of meeting someone was high. Tony tended to stay in the lab longer than any other person would be able to, so it wasn’t unusual to find him in the kitchen at any time, brewing himself some coffee. Everyone on the team had nightmares from time to time, and if someone couldn’t sleep after them, they got some food, or something to drink, or stayed in the common room to watch TV on a bigger screen and a less lonely feeling area. Clint always craved food, Vision wasn’t sleeping at all and you once caught him phasing through walls and the ground to his heart’s content.

So, the chance of meeting _nobody_ was slim, and of course you didn’t had any luck today. F.R.I.D.A.Y. had barely finished informing you that “Mr. Barnes is making his way to the kitchen,” that the good assassin turned the corner, halting in his steps when he saw you.

“Oh, hey,” he said, smiling softly, _smiling softly,_ as he stepped next to you to retrieve a cup out of the cupboard. “How you doing?”

“I’m fine,” you answered quietly, going back to shoveling shawarma onto a plate.

Bucky studied your face, then turned away to place his mug under the coffee maker. “Why were you crying?”

You froze. “How -”

“Your eyes are a bit puffy.”

Of course. Your entire form slumped in on itself. “Steve, uh, visited me. Wanted to know why I, um, fled the gym.”

Bucky hummed. “Stubborn punk. Didn’t wanna hear a thing about letting you come out of your own. What did he say to make you cry?”

Being with Bucky was easy, you had known this early on. Even now it seemed so much easier to tell Bucky everything than it was with Steve, even though it concerned Bucky. But Bucky was patient, eyes holding no judgment as they regarded you, even though you closed and opened your mouth again and again without actually saying something. He smiled again.

“You wanna have a hot chocolate?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, sit down, doll.”

You did as you were told, sat down and only a few minutes later, Bucky set down a steaming mug with hot chocolate in front of you, all with whipped cream and cocoa powder on top. He sat down right next to you, nodding as you thanked him.

Blowing on the liquid to cool it down a bit, you took your first sip. It really tasted good, and after you lowered your mug back down, you kind of just blurted, “I really like you, Bucky!”

Hand stilling, Bucky stopped short of setting his own mug to his lips to take a sip. But you didn’t give him any opportunity to react.

“Many, _so many_ things are super confusing here, and I struggled many times. But you made everything just easy. It is easy to talk to you, it is easy to understand and accept myself when I’m with you. What … what happened in the gym, did you … did you notice?”

Bucky puffed, cheeks gaining color distinctly. “Well, it’s been hard not to.”

You stared at him dumbfounded, and he grinned, teeth showing as he cocked his head to the side. “Good pun, huh?”

Your lips twitched into a watery smile. “I told Steve that I like you. He … he looked at me like I was crazy.”

The corners of your lips dropped down, Bucky grimaced, but he did take your hand laying on the table top, embracing your shaking fingers with his own.

“I told him that I didn’t plan this; I didn’t even know what was going on, it just happened! Then I asked him what was wrong, why he became so _grossed out,_ and he just said, said that the mere _notion_ of us two- I- he … he said he couldn’t believe it. And he had his stupid ‘Captain-America’-face.”

Bucky sighed, giving your hand a quick squeeze. “Steve, you goddamn idiot,” he murmured. “Alright, Y/N, nobody plans anything when it comes to feelings, okay? As you said, they just happen, and no normal human being, not even Steve, who, to be exact is no normal human being, can control them. You are not a freak or something like that because you have feelings. And sometimes a fella gets a boner when another hot fella presses their thigh right down there.”

Again, you stared at him dumbfounded. “Did you just describe yourself as a hot fella?”

“Ain’t anything wrong about being aware of … your qualities.”

You laughed. “See, everything’s easy with you, Bucky.” You looked at him, his eyes sparkling as he looked right back with a smile on his lips. “I could kiss you right now.”

Your eyes widened. “Okay, sorry, no, that would be weird. I like you, and you gave me my first bo- wow, please make me stop talking.”

Bucky laughed. “You know what is weird?”

“What?”

“Steve kissing his first love’s niece.”

“What?”

“Yeah, _that_ is weird.”

You watched Bucky, who totally decided to lick his lips now on purpose. “But I’m five years old and have the body of a twenty-three-year-old.”

“And I’m a semi-stable 100-year-old man in a body of a thirty-year-old. Just because the whole _universe_ is weird, doesn’t mean you can’t be attracted to someone a bit older than you.

“Obviously, there are also boundaries we don’t cross, but _you_ did _nothing_ wrong.”

Bringing up a hand, you touched Bucky’s cheek, thumb ~~accidentally~~ brushing his upper lip. “Does this mean I can kiss you?”

Bucky smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Alright so, this was a bit difficult, but I like how it turned out. Reader turned out to be a complex character, and I hope I had been able to write out the just as complex situation the Reader is in. Though, I am not so sure about the end. Enjoy!
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Visit me on [tumblr](http://secondxreality.tumblr.com/)!


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